It is a truth universally acknowledged that every good Pokémon trainer needs a rival of equal standing to keep them on their toes. A fellow trainer that will push us to fight harder, train smarter, and .

For eight generations, the Pokémon franchise has offered up what can only be described as… a mixed bag of rivals. Some are incredibly boring, some try to be your friend, and some are smug little pricks that I take no end of pleasure in humiliating in front of their grandfathers (not naming any names).

I don’t particularly any of the rivals from any Pokémon game, but which ones would I most like to punch in the face? It’s a question that came to me last night, and I realised I couldn’t live with myself until I found the answer. Then I realised that every single rival is technically a minor, and that punching them in the face would be an awful thing to do. So instead I’m just ranking them based on how much I hate them (but also secretly by how much I’d have liked to hit them).

May/Brendan (Pokémon Ruby & Sapphire

You know what? I’ve got nothing against May*. She isn’t constantly following you around asking you dumb questions, or showing up when you least expect it to taunt you or tell you you haven’t caught enough Pokémon – she’s just helpful.

In fact, the only times May ever really shows up is to battle you, and then give you some important item you’ll need to get further into the game. I respect that. May lives her own life and isn’t defined by you – she isn’t even that fussed about competing for title of Pokémon Champion. She just gets on with things. More people should be like May.

*(I played through as the male character so May was my rival).

Serena/Calem (Pokémon X & Y)

Try as I might, I remember what this rival was like. I’m seriously racking my brain and getting nothing. I barely remember battling them, although the internet tells me they rarely bothered to engage us in battles which is… not ideal for a rival.

Human question marks, they are worth nothing to me dead or alive. really just completely abandoned the idea of telling an interesting story, huh?

Hugh (Pokémon Black & White)

Hugh is pretty cool, tbf, although he does look like he’s just wandered in from an episode of Digimon. This guy actually managed to have something resembling a personality without being too irritating, while also pushing players forward as a trainer thanks to a solid team of monsters. A tricky balancing act for any Pokémon rival, and one that’s rarely struck.

I’d go as far as to say Hugh is the rival I hate the least… but he is prone to these really boring self-righteous rages that tend to drag on a bit. Chill out mate, I just wanted to play Pokémon and have a laugh.

Hau (Pokémon Sun & Moon)

I wasn’t even really sure if I should add Hau to this. I mean, he can barely be considered a rival. The guy actually goes right ahead and picks the starter Pokémon that has a type disadvantage to your choice. Was he doing this to be considered a “nice guy”? Is he one of those “nice guys” who actually turns out to be a massive creep when you don’t give him what he wants? I just don’t trust him.

Be more interesting Hau, you absolute melt.

Barry (Pokémon Diamond & Pearl)

Barry is basically that kid we all went to school with that would Naruto run down the hall and smelled vaguely of old milk at all times even though they told everyone they were lactose intolerant as if that was some kind of conversational ice-breaker. I know a lot of people think this guy’s hyperactive personality is endearing, but it exhausted me to the point that I wanted to feed him broken glass.

Still, he does end the game with some pretty sick Pokémon that made for some intense/super frustrating battles. I’m conflicted.

Hop (Pokémon Sword & Shield)

Oh my sweet merciful lord just LEAVE ME ALONE. I swear, every time I turned around when I was playing Pokémon Sword, Hop was there telling me where to go or what to do. I thought it was supposed to be MY adventure, but I spent the majority of it dragging around a trainer whose brother happened to be the reigning Pokémon champion. Have you heard of NEPOTISM, Hop? Course you haven’t.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, he’d have to remark on the most obvious shit in the middle of every battle. Please stop being impressed that I’ve “mastered type matchups”. Yes, I worked out that water beats fire all by myself, funnily enough. Arse.

Silver (Pokémon Gold & Silver)

Yes, Silver has one of the most interesting stories and stars in the best games in the series… but that doesn’t mean I can’t hate him as a person, does it? I prefer my rivals to be law abiding citizens, thank you. This animal abusing sack of old toss deserves to have his teeth knocked out for being a consistently whiny edgelord who kicks out at the world because his dad never hugged him.

Therapy is probably cheaper and easier than stealing a bunch of innocent Pokémon, mate. I don’t know how much therapy costs in the world of Pokémon, but I’m sure Nurse Joy has taken a few courses.

Blue (Pokémon Red & Blue)

I know that Blue is the OG rival and probably the best of the bunch. I can’t help but hate him, though. It’s hardwired into me – it’s a fact of my biology that this preppy little git makes me want to fly into a violent rage. I guess that’s why he works so well as rival, because I always wanted to beat him more than anything else… but the loathing runs deep.

I remember every taunt, every flex about having caught more Pokémon than me, and every battle. I genuinely remember beating the Elite Four for the first time as a kid only to get absolutely pounded by Blue when he was revealed to be the Champion. I was so shook at the prospect of having to beat the Elite Four all over again that I didn’t go back to the game for about a month.

I hate this smug arse of a kid so damn much that I sometimes dream of pulling off his nose with my bare hands and shoving it down his throat before whispering “smell ya later” in his ear as he screams in agony.

Are you supposed to feel a little bad when you crush him and rob of him of the Champion title? Are you supposed to feel a twinge of guilt when his grandad has a go at him for being shit in front of everyone? I never did, and I never will. I’ll smell you in hell Blue, you son of a bitch.

I may have some unresolved issues to work on here.